So now chocolate makes you thin.  If you don’t believe me then check your internet news provider. The exact quote on BBC News was “People who eat chocolate regularly tend to be thinner, new research suggests…… lead author Dr Beatrice Golomb, from the University of California at San Diego, said: ‘Our findings appear to add to a body of information suggesting that the composition of calories, not just the number of them, matters for determining their ultimate impact on weight.”

I won’t try and go into the science.  Well it’s not really worth it because the scientists themselves don’t know what happens to all our chemicals as chocolate arrives in the gut.  What they have said it’s the frequency with which you eat the chocolate and not the amount which is important.  And they are fairly sure about their conclusions.  Less than a one in a hundred chance we are wrong, is what they said.  That’s statisticians talk for certainty.

So again all my preconceptions about what is good food is turned upside down and I am as confused as anyone about what is good to eat.

Twenty five years ago when my wife was first pregnant she was encouraged to eat liver every day, as it was high in iron.  I had to show unity and join in with this diet and so we had it fried, braised, boiled and in casseroles.  Five days a week until full term.  And where are we now?  Pregnant women should only eat small amounts if any and I can’t face it all.  I have already eaten a lifetime’s worth of offal. I haven’t eaten liver since.

And then I discovered a link between my hay fever and coffee.  When the pollen filled the air if I drank coffee or tea and I sneezed.  So both of those drinks have gone.   Low fat peanut butter is worse than the full strength because the one thing they take out is the only thing that is actually beneficial. I could tell you why I can’t face another Bacardi Rum but that would be an R rated story of a rugby tour to Bermuda and nothing to do with science. And finally now I am a vegetarian for no other reason (to begin with) that it was the only way to stay friends with my best friend of the time.  (Don’t worry Sviatlana I still don’t eat meat but now because I don’t like it.)

But back to the chocolate.  What I do know about chocolate from a quick internet research is that:

  • The Aztecs thought chocolate to be an aphrodisiac.  Rumour has it Emperor Montezuma II drank fifty cups daily, before visiting his harem of six hundred women.  (If I had a harem of six hundred women I think I would be turning to more than chocolate to sustain me.)
  • An Italian survey reported that women who eat chocolate feel significantly more sexually fulfilled than those who don’t.
  • Nigerians were recently advised to forego Viagra in favour of chocolate.
  • The chemical structures of chocolate has some of the same stuff as Ecstasy: but only in very small amounts: but it might give you a kick.  Plus there are lots of other make-you-happy-or-high compounds floating around in your average bar of Cadbury’s.  if only Timothy Leary had known that.
  • With even the promise of chocolate I can calm my girlfriend to be more loving and accommodating.

So maybe as a line of research Dr Golomb should ask whether all these thin chocolates eaters are burning off the calories with all that sexual exercise.

But until they next report I will cover all my bases and add plain dark chocolate to my diet.  And why plain dark chocolate?  I thought you would have known.  Each night I drink a glass of red wine as we were told that it stopped or cured some other disease and I ask you who would eat milk chocolate with red wine?  Possibly Dr Golomb, from the University of California.

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